A Baby-Shaped Space

by Sadie S.

Spring 1888

“Gorgeous!”

Melinda Wilson twirled around in a full circle, letting the vibrant blue fabric of her dress bloom around her before she stopped, hands clasped, beaming. “Do you really think it will do?”

Ellianna Carter grinned up at her sister-in-law. “Do? Listen Melinda, you’ll look as beautiful as you did on the day of your wedding. Peter’s gonna fall over, especially once you get those golden locks up.” She leaned against the settee and tossed a pillow in the direction of the bed opposite her, wincing at the flash of pain in her distended abdomen.

It’s too soon, isn’t it? 

Ellie’s thoughts wavered, and she shook her head. Honestly! She was getting as bad as Chad!

“Thanks for coming up to the bedroom.” Ellie gently rubbed her stomach and smiled, turning her attention back to Melinda. “Besides the fact that he’d kill me if I got up, Chad does have me set up like a princess here, and-” she lifted a foot “-my ankles are pretty swelled up, or I’d join you.”

“Join me on this anniversary trip?” Melinda asked in a teasing voice.

“No, little sister,” Ellie grinned. “in celebrating!”

“Oh.” Melinda skipped across the room and perched herself on the edge of the settee. Ellie had a feeling she knew the reason for her smile.

“Speaking of celebrating, Ellie, you’re the first person I’ve told, but-”

“Melinda Wilson! You mean you haven’t even told Peter that you’re pregnant?”

Melinda’s mouth dropped open.

“How in the world-” her blue eyes widened. “How did you know, Ellie? I don’t even show yet!”

“I have my ways,” Ellie said, laughing out loud. “Your special grin, how especially tender you’ve been to our Susie, and the way you skipped across the room just now.”

“But I was just modeling for you!”

Ellie fixed Melinda in a stern look. “Melinda, please. I had my own dances of happiness when I heard Chad and I were expecting again, and I didn’t even have the excuse of a new dress!”

“Alright.” Melinda looked down at her hands and smiled. “I am excited. I was going to wait for our anniversary to tell Peter, but,” she looked up. “I can’t wait a minute longer.”

Ellie reached out to squeeze Melinda’s hand, so pleased about her sister’s good news. Melinda and Peter were as dear to her as a real brother and sister, after all. Ellie winked. “So off you go. First to change, and then to town so you can see your man.”

A few hours later

A child-like giggle woke Ellie from an unusually deep sleep. She blinked until a face came into focus, and then she laughed. “Susie!” Ellie attempted to smile as she was greeted with a kiss. “Have you been eating peaches?”

She wrapped her arms around her sticky-faced little girl, trying to ignore the stabbing pains in her stomach. They had gotten worse in the time she had slept, and the comfortably warm blankets covering her earlier were now unbearably hot.

“Ellianna! I’m so sorry she woke you.”

Ellie glanced up as her mother-in-law came through the bedroom door. Should I say something? The Carters were a busy family, and she knew doctors were expensive. Pa had always gone to the doctor as a last resort.

Besides, she didn’t want to make Chad worry anymore then he already did about her. Chad didn’t seem to realize that all of his questions had the same answer: because I’m pregnant. Ellie felt a tiny smile pull at her lips. Remember how many times Chad called the doctor for a false alarm with Susie? Her one year old daughter, already blooming with her own auburn curls hugged Ellie back and Ellie gasped, clutching her abdomen.

So much for hiding that.

“Ellianna?” Elizabeth Carter was instantly above her, smoothing back the blankets, her brow furrowed. “Are you alright?”

“Yes, just... cramps. I think.” Ellie pet Susie’s curls with a shaking hand. “Mommy’s alright, Susie.” Even her daughter didn’t look fooled.

“Thank you for watching her.” Ellie said to her mother-in-law, nodding at Susie and slowly sitting up. She was getting worried. These didn’t feel like contractions, just knife-like pain.

“I hope she wasn’t too much-”

Another wave of agony stabbed Ellie’s stomach, and she doubled over, stifling a scream for the sake of her daughter’s presence. These weren’t practice pains, and it didn’t feel the same as Susie’s contractions, but she knew all too well what real birthing felt like, and it hurt.

“He’s coming.” Ellie said, leaning towards her mother-in-law, her voice desperate. “The baby.”

Elizabeth didn’t waste time. Straightening, she glided to the doorway. “Andrea?”

No response.

“Andrea!”

“Yes, Mother?”

Andi bounced into the room, donning a split skirt and riding boots that were out of place with the bundle of baby in her arms. Ellie still could not believe that Andi, who could pass as thirteen, was a mother. Riley was right behind his bride, hat in hand, looking as much a parent as Andi did. But their faces paled as soon as they caught sight of Ellie.

Do I really look that bad?  

Ellie followed Andi’s gaze to her own lap and gasped. A red stain was spreading across her dress. Somehow she hadn't even felt it.

Elizabeth put a cool hand to Ellie’s forehead. “You’re burning up.” She said tersely.

Ellie closed her eyes. “This means-” she couldn’t finish her sentence. This means something’s wrong with baby Chad. That thought was enough to make the next wave of pain unbearable. But Susie was still in the room. Ellie gritted her teeth and felt tears rush to her eyes.

“Tell Mitch to get the doctor on Chase, Andrea. Tell him to run. Take Susianna Mae with you and Riley outside, and get Chad. Quickly.” Elizabeth’s voice was calm, but her eyes betrayed her.

Andi scooped up Susie in her free arm and dashed outside with Riley on her heels.

This must be bad. Ellie thought. She was aware that she was shaking, but she felt hot, not cold. I can’t have a fever. I need to fight for my baby. She closed her eyes, just for a second.

“You can fight this, El, you’ve got to.” Chad’s voice was suddenly right beside her.

“I know, Chad,” she mumbled, turning her head so she could look at him, but her eyes couldn’t focus on his face. She heard herself whimper. “It hurts awful bad.”

“I know.”

Was that Chad’s voice still..or? Someone was screaming.

Hold on to the light, Ellie. Hold on to the voices. For your baby!

“But it hurts.” Ellie moaned. She felt a tear on her cheek, Chad’s hand in her hand, something cold on her chest. She heard the voices, murmuring, whimpering.

And she still didn’t hear her baby.

Almost three days later, night time

“Jem?” The face in front of Ellie was definitely her brother’s. But he couldn’t be here. He was in Goldtown. “Am I in heaven?” She asked. “Am I dead?”

Jem pretended to look hurt, then laughed. It sounded forced. “Roasted Rattlesnakes. Fresno isn’t exactly heaven, Ellie.”

“No, of course not.” Ellie said, half smiling at her brother’s use of his favorite phrase. She tried to sit up, but couldn’t, and fell back onto the bed. The sheets had been changed.

“Jem?” Ellie asked again. Her voice sounded slurred and hoarse to her own ears, and she tried to clear it. “I can’t seem to remember what happened after I blacked out.” She held her breath.

“You didn’t black out, Ellie.”

“Then what happened?”

“You were delirious, Ellie, feverish.” Jem stared at his hands, palms up. “We almost lost you. It’s been two days. I was just waiting for you to wake up.”

“And my baby?” Ellie’s heart sped up. She grabbed hold of Jem’s wrist.

Jem was definitely avoiding her eyes now. He didn’t respond.

“Jem!”

“Chad wanted to talk to you.” Jem stood up. He shook off Ellie’s death-hold. “I need to go, Ellie.”

“Not until you tell me what’s going on.” Ellie felt herself shaking. What had happened to her baby? “Was it my fault? Is the baby-” she broke off. Say it! “Is he-”

“Chad’s coming.” Jem interrupted again. He backed out of the room. “I’ll be back soon, Ellie.”

He’s afraid of me. Ellie thought, tears leaking out of her eyes. It must have been my fault that -

“Ellie?” There was a knock on the open bedroom door.

“Oh, Chad!” Ellie burst into fresh tears. A young man with thick black hair had stepped into the room, dark circles were etched underneath his eyes. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days.

“Oh, sweetheart.” Chad wrapped his arms around Ellie’s shaking shoulders, and Ellie slammed her face into his shirt. It felt so good to be held, with only his arms separating her from the world and the truth.

“It’s my fault about the baby.” Ellie sobbed when she had enough breath. “I know it is.”

“What in blazes?” Chad pulled back, grasping Ellie’s face in both of his hands. He looked ready to cry. “This is not your fault, sweetheart. This is not your fault. Do you hear me? If anyone is to blame it’s me. Not taking you to the doctor the instant you started looking ill.”

He pulled away and slammed his fist into his other hand. “But no.” He swore and his blue eyes flashed. “I should never have left you.”

“Chad.” Ellie said, struggling to maintain a reassuring voice now. “Chad.” She repeated.

Chad’s arms relaxed and he looked at nothing in particular for a few moments. When he looked back, his eyes were watery blue, not the firm chips of ice Ellie knew and loved.

“He was a boy, Ellie,” he whispered. “Just like you said.”

“Was.” Ellie repeated softly.

Though she had known the answer in her heart, it still felt as if she had been punched in her already aching stomach. Chad didn’t reply, but his silence was answer enough.

Oh, God.

Ellie covered her mouth with her hand, but the sobs wouldn’t come. All she could hear was the pounding of her own heartbeat and the thoughts. No. No. NO.

“My heart’s breaking too, El,” Chad said, but his voice was suddenly far away. He took her into his arms again, but she couldn’t feel his hug. “My heart’s breaking too.”

Fall, 1888

“I’m worried about you, Ellie.”

How many times have I been told that in the past few months?  

Ellie tried to smile. “I get that a lot.”  She looked down at her hands, which trembled.

“Please, just, go away, Melinda,” She looked up. “enjoy your party and your baby.”

Ouch. She had not meant to sound so terse. Seeing Melinda’s hurt look, Ellie caught her sister-in-law’s hand, apologetic tears springing to her eyes. “I’m sorry. I’m fine. I just need space.”

“That’s what you always say.” Melinda said, concern surfacing in her blue eyes. “Chad too.”

“And it’s true.” Ellie tried to sound upbeat. “We’ll make it through.” Somehow. Seeing Melinda’s mouth open to retort, Ellie quickly excused herself. “I have to find Susie,” she alibied. In truth, she knew exactly where her daughter was. She and Chad rarely let the little girl out of their sight anymore. Not since -

“You didn’t have to come, you know.”

Melinda’s last words made Ellie slide to a halt. She glanced over her shoulder.

Melinda looked like she wanted to cry. “Peter and I would have understood. This being hard.”

“Yes, I know.” Ellie bit her lip. Unwanted grief rose up. She pushed it away. “I do think I have to go.”

“You and Chad won’t stay for dessert?”

Ellie shook her head and walked away. She could feel Melinda watching her.

Chad was easy to spot. He and Susie were the only wallflowers in the dining room, which was otherwise filled with people congratulating Melinda and Peter on the announcement of their pregnancy.

Ellie felt a familiar flame of anger and she kicked herself. What was wrong with her? Her brother and sister-in-law had been so kind. They had waited over a season after baby Chad’s death to officially announce their coming child, not batting an eyelash when the gossips wagged their tongues about Melinda getting fat.

Ellie’s vision blurred with tears, and she tapped her husband briskly on the shoulder before she could think about the cause of them. “Chad.”

He just looked at her.

Not this again. “Chad. I need to go back to the ranch.”

“Fine.” He picked up Susie and walked towards the door, Ellie at his heels. “We can let ourselves out, Melinda.” Chad snapped at his sister. Melinda drew back, disappearing into a throng of people, but not before Ellie saw another look of pain flash across her face.

***

“It was my fault?!” Ellie asked, her eyes widening. How dare Chad accuse her of such a thing? “At least I made an effort to be sociable, I talked to people, Chad. Do you know how hard that was? Whilst I was getting pitying glances and getting asked- are you okays and i’m worried about yous, you took our daughter and leaned against the wall like one of the old men!”

She was not backing down now, her heart was aching, her head was aching, and her brain and words were on fire. “I’m hurting so much, Chad, and you can’t possibly understand. You didn’t have that baby inside of you, growing and living. You didn’t-”

Chad raised a finger. “Don’t you dare throw that in my face, Ellie. I didn’t choose for this to happen.”

“But you did choose to be my husband.”

“Yes, darling.” Chad’s eyes were scary. “Because I happen to love you. And I loved that baby. You say I can’t understand, but you can’t understand some things, Ellie.”

Ellie opened her mouth, but Chad plowed on, pacing the bedroom.

“You don’t understand what it was like to see you lying there, tossing back and forth, bleeding and wailing. You weren’t really there when the doctor told us we could let you keep trying to give birth, or perform surgery.”

Chad looked deep into Ellie’s eyes. “Surgery that could kill you, Ellie.” He let out a visible breath. “You don’t know how hard it was to see you birth that baby, exhausted as you were. To see my son lying there beside you…”

Chad stopped talking and put his head in his hands. When he looked up, there were tears in his eyes. “Dead.”

Silence. Deafening though it was, it felt as though the whole world had become hushed.

Ellie felt sick. So much sicker, so much sadder than she had ever been in the past few weeks. She had been so wrapped up in her own grief that she hadn’t thought of how hard it must have been for her husband.

“Chad. I-” Ellie choked back a sob.

Had it really taken an argument for her to see how selfish she’d let herself become? God had given her a daughter and a husband, and even baby Chad for a short time to bring her joy. Yet she had let her sorrow blind her from what she had. She had been thinking so much of what she’d lost that she had failed to see that she was still losing things. Precious time. Precious moments... Wasn’t it just yesterday that Susie had said “I love you” for the first time? But Ellie had barely batted an eyelash except to hold back tears at what might have been.

“Chad,” Ellie whispered. She opened her eyes. “I’m so sorry.”

Jesus, I’m sorry, she added silently. Baby Chad was never really mine. He was yours.

“I’m sorry too, Ellie. I was-” Chad’s voice broke. He reached out his arms and Ellie fell into them, hugging her husband as tightly as she could without choking him. He didn’t complain.

Minutes passed in silence, broken only by Ellie and Chad’s own breathing.

“I miss him, Chad.” Ellie finally whispered.

“Me too, El.” He replied. There were tears sliding down his cheeks. Ellie could feel them dripping into her hair, but she didn’t mind. She leaned into him and cried, too.

Late Spring, 1889

“She’s absolutely perfect.”

“You say that every time you see her.” Melinda teased, but Ellie could see the pride shining in her eyes. Ellie laughed. “Well, I’ve only seen her about a dozen times.”

The baby gurgled, and Ellie felt her laugh cut short as unbidden tears came into her eyes. The all too familiar pangs of grief rose to the surface in less than a heartbeat.

I miss my baby.

Stop it. Ellie glanced at the window. Even the clouds looked like they were celebrating the new life that had come to Fresno. The last thing Ellie wanted was to make her sister-in-law unhappy on such a joyful day. But Melinda must have sensed something was wrong, because she took her baby back, gave Ellie an appraising look, and sighed.

 “Ellie, it’s okay to let it out.” She smiled gently. “You’ve given me so much advice, and I think it’s time you took some of mine.” She fingered the edge of her dress. It was the same one she had modeled for Ellie over a year ago. “I’m a mother now, too, and,” she looked up, tears shimmering in the corners of her eyes. “I know how much it must hurt.”

Ellie focused on Lily’s tiny smiling face. Even though it made her think of her own loss, it kept the tears from coming. “We shunned you, Melinda. I shunned you.” Ellie said slowly. She shook her head. “Just because you were pregnant with a healthy baby, and mine was... dead.”

The words hurt, but it did not make them less true.

“I’m sorry.” Ellie said simply. Her grief would never go away, but apologizing to the people she had hurt was a helpful part of the healing process. Melinda took her hand.

“You’ve been forgiven multiple times over, as has Chad. Though you both needn’t have asked.” A smile played at Melinda’s lips, and Ellie looked up in surprise. Melinda just laughed.

“Do you know that Chad would never have apologized to me for anything a few years ago?” She shifted Lily to the other side of her lap. “It’s only since you came into his life that he’s let go of his pride and started taking ownership.”

Ellie smiled, her gaze drifting to the window where, outside, her husband was shouting orders and more often than not, looking worriedly back at the ranch house. “It goes both ways, Melinda.”  She said softly, reaching for the baby. “It really does.”

Spring, 1891

“Chad! Cha-ad!” Ellie skidded to a stop in the parlor, beaming. She hadn’t realized her husband’s voice-range had rubbed off on her. Surely he had heard. Years ago he was rarely indoors at this time of day, but ever since baby Chad’s death, he’d been hard pressed to leave Ellie alone for even a second. She had yet to assure him to leave the house for more than a few hours at a time. Besides, he had to be curious how her doctor’s visit had gone.

The sound of running feet made Ellie look up. Chad was taking the second level stairs three at a time. The fear in his eyes was obvious, but just then, Ellie didn’t know what to say.

“Ellie!” Chad grabbed her hands. “What’s happened? Are you hurt? What’s wrong? Did the doctor say-”

Ellie kissed him on the mouth and he stopped talking. She pulled back and shook her head wordlessly. “No, Chad. Ask me what’s right.”

He looked confused.

“Ask me what’s right.” Ellie repeated, starting to cry again. She wasn’t making much sense, and she knew it. She took a breath, closed her eyes, and then opened them.

It shouldn’t be so hard to say happy news.  “We’re-”

She stopped when she saw Chad’s face. He was already crying.

“We’re pregnant?” Chad asked in a hoarse whisper. When Ellie nodded, he didn’t look like he believed her, despite the tears of joy sliding down his cheeks. After studying her face for a moment, he collapsed on the sofa. “Oh my gosh, El, I thought you were sick.”

“No. I’m fine. We’re pregnant.” Ellie said, surprised at how firmly she could say it. “You’re going to be a father again, I’m going to be a mother again, Susie is going to be a big sister again.” She leaned down to kiss her husband on the cheek.

“I know this baby will live.”

“I- I don’t know what to say.” Chad licked his lips and lowered his head into his hands. “Ellie.”

“Me neither.” Ellie said. They sat down on the sofa together, and Ellie slipped her hand into his. She blinked, remembering the look on the doctor’s face when he told her. The whole of Fresno was no doubt gossiping about it right now. But she didn’t mind. Not this time.

“It’s another boy.” Ellie finally said.

“How do you know?” Chad asked, after he hesitated. He squeezed her hand. “It’s still so early.”

She smiled softly, glancing down at her stomach and the tiny new life God had given them.

“I can just tell.”