Blinding Selfishness

by Abigail Slape (ages 14-17)

Hannah Swanson hurried down the front steps of her home and scanned the sky. Gray, dreary, but not raining - yet. Perfect for spending some time outside.

Turning on her heel, she scurried back up the steps and banged through the front door. “Levi! Levi, where are you?”

Anna paused her dusting, leveling Hannah with a stern gaze. “Your mother is upstairs” she rebuked quietly. “She has a splitting headache.”

Hannah scowled at Anna. “Well, I need to find Levi,” she retorted. “Where is he?” Anna let out an almost imperceptible sigh and tilted her head down the hall. “He’s in the parlor. But I don’t think that he’s going to take you anywhere today.”

“What?” Hannah furrowed her brow. “But he told me yesterday that he had nothing to do today. It’s the middle of summer.” She whirled around and hurried to find her brother. “Levi!” She banged through the door, caught sight of him on a settee, and pulled the book from his hands, scowling at it. A dime novel - it was all he ever read. “Will you take me for a drive? It isn’t raining, and Pa is busy. But you aren’t, are you?”

Levi scowled right back, whipping the book out of her hands. “Not today, Hannah.” He wouldn’t meet her eyes. “Something did come up. I’m about to leave.”

Hannah brightened. “Oh! I’ll come with you!”

Levi’s eyes widened, and he quickly shook his head. “I don’t think so. Not this time.” He grinned crookedly, and Hannah felt her temper flare up faster than a fog on the bay. “You never do anything with me!” she accused, leveling a glare at him. “Why won’t you do anything for me? I’m not a baby anymore! I’ll be eleven soon! When will you start treating me like an adult?”

Levi sat up quickly, his eyes stormy. “Maybe when you start acting like one,” he shot back icily. “I said no, Hannah.”

Hannah kept her glare on him for a minute more before whirling and storming out of the room, scrubbing furiously at the tears that threatened to spill over at any moment. “I’ll show Levi,” she vowed, slamming the kitchen door behind her as she stomped into the back yard. Betsy sat in a chair, a piece of embroidery in her lap. Her brow was furrowed as she stabbed into a corner with a piece of pink thread.

“Betsy!” Hannah scurried forward. “Will you come to Emma’s house with me?” Her sister jumped, her embroidery and thread spilling out of her lap and the needle jamming into her finger. “Hannah!” She scrambled to snatch the cloth back up, stowing it and the thread safely into her bag. “You know better than to sneak up on me like that when I’m sewing!”

Hannah frowned, a whine escaping from between her lips. “Betsy, come with me to Emma’s house! Levi and Pa are busy, and Mama is taking a nap. Nobody will do anything with me!”

Betsy pursed her lips, her eyes apologetic. “I’m sorry, Hannah, but I can’t come with you either. I’m-”

“You’re busy.” Hannah’s whine turned into a pout. “Betsy, please! I really, really need someone to come with me. You know Mama won’t let me go anywhere by myself.” “Hannah, I just can’t. Not today.” Betsy turned to peer into her sewing bag. “I’m sure you can find something else.”

Hannah clenched her fists. “Fine. FINE!” She hollered it the second time, and Betsy’s head snapped back up, her eyes wide. “If you, and Levi, and everyone else wanna be selfish, then fine!” Hannah turned on her heel and marched back up the steps, ignoring Betsy’s calls and pleas for her to wait.

 ***

Things weren’t much better inside the house. As soon as Hannah stepped foot in the hall, Mama appeared, her forehead creased. “Hannah. What is all the yelling about?” Hannah stopped, her arms folded. “Mama, Betsy and Levi won’t do anything with me!” She let herself pout and wondered if Mama felt better already.

Mama’s eyebrows shot up as if in realization, and Hannah’s hopes raised. Maybe Mama would make Levi drive her to Emma’s! He would absolutely hate that.

The next words out of her mother’s mouth were not at all what she had been expecting. “Hannah, honey, your brother and sister are busy right now. You shouldn’t be yelling at them like that.” Her mouth was set, and Hannah could tell that there would be no reasoning with her.

“But-.” There was nothing else to say. She could feel the tears welling up in her eyes, and she flew past Mama, up the stairs, and into her room.

She let out a few sobs before rolling onto her back to stare up at the ceiling. She wiped all trace of the tears from her eyes and sat up, glaring out the window at the cloudy, drizzly day - the rain that had been holding off had finally arrived.

It perfectly matched her mood. “It’s not fair,” she complained to Katie, her china doll. “I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself on the way to Emma’s, and Levi is being selfish, Betsy, too.” Katie didn’t reply. With a sigh, Hannah cast her aside and sat up.

Emma’s house was only a few blocks over. She could be there and back before supper. Nobody would notice her absence.

With a small smile to herself, she slipped silently down the hall, pausing at the bottom of the staircase. She could hear Levi and Mama in the hall.

“-We’ve got to get rid of her. If we can keep her away, we can finish it,” she heard Levi say to Mama, his tone annoyed.

Hannah stifled a gasp of horror. Levi didn’t want her around? What did that mean? How upset had she made him? Her eyes filled with hot tears, and she rubbed them away quickly.

“I know, but she is so determined to find someone to take her to Emma’s today.” Mama agreed with Levi - they didn’t want her around. The thought only sealed her decision. Choking back sobs, Hannah continued down the hallway. Glancing around to make sure nobody was watching, she slipped out the door and made her way down the street.

 ***

By the time Hannah reached Emma Tanning’s home, she had managed to slow her sobs to hiccups and wipe the tears from her cheeks. She stopped at the step, gently brushed as much moisture as she could from her skirt, and rang the doorbell.

To her surprise, Mrs. Tanning opened the door instead of Minnie. “Hannah!” The older woman was dressed as if she were going somewhere, and Hannah could hear the bustle inside the house. “Whatever is the matter? Are you alone?” She craned her neck slightly, as if expecting Levi or Betsy to appear behind her.

Hannah pasted on what she hoped was a convincing smile. “I’m by myself today. I’m almost eleven.” Now it was her turn to peer behind Mrs. Tanning. “May I come in? I’d like to see Emma.

And maybe never leave, she thought to herself.

Mrs. Tanning pursed her lips. “I’m sorry, Hannah.” She moved in front of Hannah’s view and smiled gently. “We’re quite busy, and it’s nearing suppertime. Shouldn’t you be getting home? You wouldn’t want to be out late. By yourself.”

Hannah heard the warning in her tone. Mama was going to be hearing from Mrs. Tanning. Hiding a scowl behind a polite good-bye, she whirled around and stormed back down the walk.

Even Emma didn’t want to see her. She stomped in the opposite direction of home, deciding that she didn’t want to be home, not if everyone was too busy to pay attention to her. She’d stay out late, prove that she could handle herself, and be home without a scratch.

And then maybe then everyone would see that she wasn’t a baby, and they would let her do things like them.

 ***

If the earlier parts of Hannah’s day had been bad, the weather only made it worse. The drizzle turned into a downpour, lightning began to flash, and the day turned prematurely dark. Almost green, in fact. She shivered in spite of herself and wondered what Mama had planned for dinner. Roast, or soup, or pork with peach pie

A savage growl made her jerk to a stop, teeth chattering as she tried to squint through the downpour. What had made the horrible noise? She trembled, swiping a strand of dripping hair from her eyes.

A flash of lightning illuminated the street around her, and she let out a scream as she stumbled away from the huge dog that stood mere feet from her.

The dog growled again, and Hannah split the air with a second shriek, her fear completely taking over as she turned tail and ran.

Up a slippery street she pounded, through a sopping yard. With a squelch, the mud claimed her shoe, but she didn’t stop to retrieve it. She kept running, scrambling over a fence and landing in a heap on the other side.

It took her a moment to realize that she was crying, and then she really let her sobs loose. A crash of thunder, louder than before, made her jump. She was now shivering uncontrollably, and her hiccups had returned.

She was lost. The thought pounded in her ears and squeezed her heart. She didn’t know where she was, Mama and Pa didn’t know where she was, and she was wet. And cold.

And scared.

Why had she done this? The more Hannah thought back, the sillier it seemed. Levi and Betsy willingly walked her to Emma’s at least twice a week. Sometimes more. Emma had a life outside of Hannah, and there was no reason to be angry with her friend for having plans.

No, the more Hannah thought about it, the clearer it became - her rotten day was her fault. She had made it rotten, and blamed it on everybody else, because she wanted her own way. Mama always said that things made sense in retrospect.

When had she become so selfish?

She sniffled, and looked up at the sky. “I’m sorry, God,” she whimpered. “I’ll do better. Please help me get home.”

Another crash of thunder made her flinch, and she stood, squinting up at the sky as the wind picked up. It whipped through her skirt, through her hair, and through the trees. With a resounding snap, a tree limb broke off behind her and sailed several yards through the air before hitting the ground.

Hannah sucked in a breath. She had never seen such strong winds, not in San Francisco. What had Levi said once about disasters? “You have to keep your head. No use panicking, like you girls always do. It only makes things worse.”

Levi had only been picking at her, but now she was glad he had said it. It gave her something to clear her head.

“Well,” she spoke to herself, trying to drown out the sound of the wind, “I can’t have walked far. I just need to find shelter and wait out the storm.”

That much was obvious. The wind roared in her ears, and the sound of a barking dog not far away made her stiffen.

If it could be avoided, Hannah wouldn’t try to find help at one of the houses unless she recognized it. Surely, there was someone she knew around here.

As she took a step forward, she suddenly remembered her lost shoe and bit back a groan. The prospect of going back for it wasn't all that appealing, especially regarding the massive dog

somewhere behind her. No, she decided, the dog could keep the shoe. Perhaps he needed a chewing toy.

The thought almost made her giggle as she trudged down the road in the direction of home.

Or what she hoped was the direction of home.

 ***

Hours seemed to go by as she walked. The storm abated slightly, but distant rumbles of thunder still made her jump. A sneeze escaped her, and she bit back a cough. It would be a miracle if she made it home without pneumonia.

The muffled noise of hooves on muddy cobblestone made her look up. A carriage rumbled past, mud slinging onto her from the wheels. She spat out a glob of dirt and pursed her lips. It was almost as if she was invisible to the people in the carriage.

With a sigh, Hannah resumed her trudging as her thoughts wandered. She could remember rolling through the streets of San Francisco and seeing children her age playing on the streets, muddy and dressed poorly.

“I’ve never thought twice about them,” she whispered, regret hitting her from all sides. “They don’t have a nice home, or clothes, or - or a nice family like mine.” The tears threatened to return as she narrowed her eyes, determination suddenly fueling her steps. “God,” she prayed, hurrying faster down the street, “Give me opportunities to help people who don’t have what I have. Help me to not be selfish.”

Almost as if in answer to her prayer, a beam of sunshine broke through the clouds and lit the area around her. Hannah smiled, and for a moment stopped to enjoy it. The sound of hooves made her stop, and she quickly moved to the side of the street again, preparing herself to be sprayed with mud. When the mud never came, she looked up. The rider had stopped. “Hannah?” An incredulous voice asked.

Hannah let out a cry. “Levi!” Without a moment’s hesitation, she threw herself into her older brother’s arms, and he squeezed back despite the mud covering her. With a jerk he pulled away, his eyes flashing. “Hannah, where have you been? Are you out here by yourself? Don’t you know better?”

Hannah hung her head and let him talk. “I know, Levi. I’m sorry.” She threw her arms around him again, and squeezed tighter than before. “And I’m sorry about what I said to you earlier too.”

His eyes softened slightly. “I forgive you, sis. I was out of line.” He looked her over and shook his head. “I go to town for a couple hours, and you go and get lost in a thunderstorm!” He caught sight of her feet and whistled. “You may find, dear sister, that Mama is not so readily forgiving.”

Hannah winced, glancing down at her sodden, ruined dress and missing shoe. “I know.”

He shook his head again, his usual easy-going attitude returning. “Glad it’s you and not me!” He swung her up into the saddle and settled in behind her.

She bit her lip as they cantered down the street. “Levi,” she said suddenly, “Am I selfish?”

Her brother seemed taken aback by the question. “Hannah…,” he trailed off momentarily. “Yes. I would reckon that everyone is, at least some.”

Hannah shook her head. “I want you to help me, Levi.”

“Okay.” His voice held a questioning edge, and he waited for her to continue. Taking a deep breath, she continued, “I want you to tell me when I’m being selfish.” Hannah didn’t know what Levi had been expecting her to say, but she was sure that it wasn’t that. “What? Why?”

She took another deep breath. “So I can do better, of course.” She said it matter-of-factly, and Levi let out a chuckle.

Hannah turned around to face him the best she could. “What?” she demanded, trying to tamp down her temper. “I don’t see what’s so funny.”

Levi sobered instantly. “Nothing’s funny, Hannah,” he said seriously. “As wrong as it may have been for you to run off, I think it did something good for you. I’ll be glad to help you out.”

Hannah considered his words, and she had to agree.

“Now,” Levi said with a tone of teasing in his voice, “I think you’ll be very surprised when we get home.”

 ***

The house was dark when they arrived, and Hannah felt a twinge of guilt. Everyone was out looking for her. She waited while Levi settled Scratch in, then followed him inside. The lights in the back parlor were on, and Hannah could hear voices. Probably Mama and Betsy. She let Levi take the lead, and her strode through breezily. “Picked up a passenger down the road. The guest of honor has arrived.”

Hannah stood timidly in the doorway, a feeling of utter bewilderment settling over her. There were Mama and Betsy and Pa, along with two uniformed policemen. But what really surprised her was the group in the corner- Emma, Tilly, Sarah, Kassidy and their families stood on the far side of the room, under pale pink decorations and beside a towering cake. The table was laden with Hannah’s favorite foods, and a stack of wrapped presents settled underneath.

Hannah pressed her hands to her mouth to hold back tears. This was what they had been working on all day? Why Levi couldn’t take her with him to town? And why Mama had closed herself upstairs for hours?

“Hannah!” The Mama’s cry released the tears, and Hannah scurried into her arms. “Hannah, where have you been? I was worried sick! And then with the storm…,” She trailed off, holding Hannah at arms length and giving her a once-over. “You’re a sight! Are you hurt?”

She shook her head no, wiping her tears away once again. It took her a moment to convince her mother, but Pa stepped in after a moment. The look on his face clearly said that they would be discussing the incident later, but for the moment Hannah was too thankful to care.

Emma snatched her up her hand and gave it a squeeze. “I wanted so badly to invite you in, Hannah, but we were wrapping your present and preparing to leave. I’m sorry.” Her brown eyes were anxious. “I hope you aren’t upset with me.”

Hannah squeezed back and shook her head. “I’m not upset,” she said, giving her dearest friend a smile. “I was wrong to come over anyway.”

She glanced down at her filthy dress and wrinkled her nose, fighting off a sneeze. “I ought to go get cleaned up.”

Betsy was by her side in a flash. “If you’d like some help…,” her sister smiled softly, her eyes questioning.

With a grin, Hannah grabbed Betsy’s hand and nodded vigorously. “Please!” As they climbed the staircase, Betsy pulled something from her pocket. “Here,” she said quietly, handing Hannah a piece of folded fabric. “I wanted you to have this.” Hannah gently unfolded it and found the embroidery she had caught Betsy working on earlier. “You were all working on my party,” she whispered, meeting Betsy’s eyes with a watery grin. “That’s why you were too busy to take me to Emma’’s.”

Betsy smiled sheepishly. “We planned it early to catch you by surprise,” her older sister explained. “I suppose it worked a bit too well.”

Hannah couldn’t help but join in the laughter as they passed the landing and moved toward her bedroom. As she glanced out the window, movement caught her eye. She stopped and squinted, taking in the form of a very small person sitting under their tree.

Her heart pounded, and she turned suddenly to Betsy. “Can we wait for a minute? There’s something I need to go check.”