Mama's Place

 by Anna P. (ages 14-17)

This story centers around Riley’s young cousin, Sarah, who lost her mother at birth (from the story Riley told Andi after she gave birth to Jared in “Riley Prescott, Proud Papa,” Yosemite at Last Milestones book 5.)

 

“But Papa, I don’t want to go and stay with Riley. I want to be with you.”

“I know, Sarah, but I cannot take you with me this time, it’s just too far away.”

“But Papa—”

“No more discussion, Sarah. You’re going to Memory Creek, and that is my final decision.”

Sarah Benson turned away from her father, tears filling her eyes. Why couldn’t her papa see that she was only trying to be with him, to keep him from being lonely? He always said that she was his special partner, going with him wherever he went. So why wouldn’t he take her now?

She could still hear her papa moving around in the kitchen as she slowly slipped up the creaky staircase to her small room at the end of the hall. She might as well begin packing, since they were leaving in two days.

The bright cheeriness of her room welcomed her like a warm hug as she collapsed across her bed with its fluffy white quilt. The ceiling spun as she rolled over to the other side, dropping with a thud on the rough wooden planks. Papa was always telling her that she wasn’t careful enough with herself, and that she should be more grown up than to fall on the floor like a little child, but if she was completely honest, she rather liked it. There was something about rolling off the side of her bed that made her feel free, like for a single instant she could fly.

But, she mused, digging around under her bed for her worn out carpet bag, This thing won’t pack itself.

In went the hairbrush, journal, necessary clothes, and finally, Mama’s picture. She stopped for a moment, comparing herself with the lady in the worn wooden frame. They looked alike in face and figure, except for her nose, which was too much like Papa’s. Her nut-brown hair was Papa’s too; Mama’s was a deep golden with tints of red if the sun hit it just right. She had never seen her mama except for the picture, but she had heard stories from Papa of just how beautiful his bride was.

Her place sat empty, just as it had ever since Sarah was born fourteen years ago. She tried her best for Papa, to take the place of the wife he lost, but she couldn’t help if she wasn’t allowed to be with him.

If he’s going to try and make me stay with Cousin Andi and Riley, I’ll just have to convince them that I’m too much trouble to try and keep up with.

*                           *                                   *

1 week later…

“Good morning, Sarah. I hope that you slept well?”

“It was fine, I suppose, though not half as nice as my bed at home.”

To Sarah’s dismay, Andi chose to ignore her rude remark, carrying on pleasant conversation instead. “Once you finish your breakfast, I’ll give you your chores. You’re a very smart girl, and I know you won’t have any trouble doing them.”

“I won’t be doing any chores.” Sarah smiled to herself as the pleasant looks faded from both of their faces.

Riley was the first to recover. “I don’t think you understand, Sarah. Around here, everyone does their share. We all pitch in to make things work, and if you don’t do your chores, it won’t all get done.”

“You got it all done before, why do you need my help to do it now?”

“Because,” Andi broke in. “With you being here, there is more work to do. Not so much that we can’t handle it if you help out, but enough that we need you to do your part. Besides, it’s part of staying here.”

“Well I won’t do them. You’re just a big pair of bullies, making me work like that. I hate being here, and I hate being away from Papa, and I hate both of you!”

Sarah saw with triumph that Andi was losing patience like a runaway steam train.

“Very well, then, young lady. But understand that your actions will have consequences, and they will be things that you don’t like. Until you begin doing what you have been given—which is not that much at all, I might add—you may not fellowship with the members of this house. Riley and I will talk to you, of course, but you will please stay away from Jared and the twins. They are young and very impressionable, and I don’t want them to be picking up on some of your disrespectful bad habits. I will not have them around you as long as you are demonstrating a rebellious and disobedient attitude towards me and Riley.”

A moment passed, and Andi’s tone softened. “Listen, Sarah. You don’t have to love being here, and you don’t have to love our family, but I do hope that you love your father enough to render us the respect and obedience that he has asked you to give us. He placed us in charge of your care for six months, Sarah, and we intend to do our very best. It would make it a whole lot easier if you would obey what we say when we say it.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about! If my papa truly loved me, he would have taken me with him, instead of leaving me here with awful people like you and Riley.” The last sentence contained a little more truth than Sarah liked, and she quickly changed direction to more accusations.

“You’re bad enough for treating me like this, but since you’re not family, I suppose it’s a little more acceptable. But I would have at least hoped that Riley would have seen my side of things, since he is my cousin and all.”

“No ma’am.” Riley’s authoritative voice caused Sarah to jump as he pushed back his chair and stood up to face her. “You may not pit Andi and I against each other. We are partners, and we fight on the same team. What she says goes for me, and vice versa. I will not be played against her, and you ought to be ashamed of yourself for even daring to think of it.

“Now, you may be excused outside. And if I hear that you have been disrespectful to my wife again, you will have consequences. Just because Uncle Joseph apparently lets you do whatever you want without having to answer for anything does not mean that it will be the case here. Under my roof, you will answer to me and you will be disciplined when you step out of line. Have I made myself clear?”

Sarah gave him a withering glance as she brushed past him, nose in the air. She paused and looked from one to the other before sticking out her tongue and running out the door. Once she was outside, she snuck back around to the kitchen door. It was closed now, and Andi and Riley were talking earnestly inside. They both looked furious.

A tiny smile pulled at the corners of her mouth. It was only day one, and her plan was working already. They’ll have to send me back now.

*                           *                                   *

Much to Sarah’s dismay, however, they did not send her back. Instead, she was ignored for the rest of the week by Jared and the twins, who soon realized that she was not an added playmate. Andi and Riley were cordial enough, but they made it clear that she was still in disgrace.

Sunday finally came, and with it rose the hopes of being able to play with the other children after service. Andi had reminded her that she was not to play with any of the other girls in the churchyard, but she was counting on being able to play with all of the Carter Cousins, as they were affectionately nicknamed by the older family members.

When they arrived at the Circle C after a wagon ride that was about as exciting as watching grass grow, she jumped out right away, eager to finally be able to play with other children. Sarah had not gone more than ten steps away before Andi’s loud call rang out, summoning her back to the wagon again.

She began to turn willingly, as she had been taught, but remembered her plan and stiffened her shoulders, dragging her feet with a look of disdain as she forced herself back to Andi.

“Sarah, where were you going just now?”

One glimpse at her cousin’s face, and all of Sarah’s hopes for a fun-filled afternoon were crushed. She didn’t even need to hear the words that were buzzing in her ears to know that the same rules that were in place for Jared and the twins applied to the Carter Cousins as well. She found herself reluctantly nodding in agreement with Andi’s conditions, and this time, she didn’t have to fake her disappointment.

I wish that they would just send me home already, instead of keeping me here and away from Papa. Who will cook his food, and wash his clothes, and keep him company in the lonely evenings? How will he pass the time without talking to me, or having me sing to him? Who will fill Mama’s place since he won’t let me come with him?

*                           *                                   *

Dinner was a mouth-watering combination of fried chicken, biscuits and gravy, with fresh peach cobbler for dessert. Sarah took the opportunity to enjoy it to the fullest, cheerfully participating in the conversation flowing around her. Everyone did their best to make her feel welcome, asking about how she was liking it in Fresno and if she’d made any friends. She did her best to answer each question as it came, ignoring Andi and Riley’s exchanged looks of surprise as she said how much she enjoyed it. Even Chad, who looked the most intimidating, had a special smile for her and seemed to be fishing for ways to make her laugh.

After everyone had finished their dessert, the children began asking to be excused. One by one they left the table, while Sarah sat quietly. Andi had said that she wasn’t to play with the other children, but she said nothing about sitting at the table while they were all outside in the yard. After all, she always sat with Papa, why should this be any different? Unfortunately, Chad noticed her still sitting in her seat and asked if she planned to go outside.

“You are excused, Sarah,” Andi said quietly, turning back to her conversation with Riley and Mitch.

“But I don’t want to—” Sarah didn’t even get to finish her sentence before she was pinned with Andi’s eyes. A dark frown was gathering on her cousin’s face as she wordlessly beckoned her over with a single finger.

She slowly got up, trying her best to make it evident how much she hated being under Andi’s authority, and dragged her way over to the wooden dining chair.

As soon as she got within range, Andi caught hold of her arm and pulled Sarah’s ear right up to her lips. “Just because you are not allowed to play with the children does not mean that you have been given permission to sit with the adults. You will go and sit in one of the rocking chairs on the porch, and if I hear that you have been anywhere other than exactly where you are supposed to be, there will be additional consequences waiting for you at home. Have I made myself clear, young lady?”

Sarah set her brow, ready to put on a spectacle that would make Andi give in. but one look at the firm determination on her face made her change her mind. She didn’t want to be sent back to Papa with a completely terrible report. She gave the tiniest nod and hissed back a barely respectful “Yes, ma’am,” before stomping toward the dining room door.

Riley cleared his throat and she looked back at him, hoping for sympathy. Instead, his expression matched his wife’s so completely that she would have sworn they were evil twins. He tilted his head towards her feet, and she sighed dramatically. He didn’t want her to stomp. She tiptoed softly out the dining room door, shutting it gently behind her before slamming the front door as loudly as she could on her way outside.

She clattered out onto the porch, plopping onto one of the solid wooden rocking chairs. The rhythm of the squeaking soothed her spirit, and she laid back, determined to enjoy the forced thinking time.

What will it take for them to send me back? How much more do I have to do?

*                           *                                   *

The ride back to Memory Creek was just as silent and lonely as the afternoon and evening had been. Riley and Andi talked about the ranch and church and their plans for the week while the twins and Jared slept on the wagon bed.

Sarah returned to her thoughts from earlier, wandering again down the trail of what ifs.

If only Papa would have let her go, she could have kept him company in the evenings, taking Mama’s place as she always had. No one else could do it like she could. She had always done it, ever since she was a little girl. After all, she had to; she was the reason that Mama’s place was empty to begin with.

The wagon creaked to a stop as it pulled up in front of the Memory Creek house, bringing Sarah back to the present. Riley set the brake and helped Andi down, and they both began collecting sleeping children, taking them upstairs to deposit in their beds.

Unsure of what to do, she followed them inside, stopping only when Andi quietly directed her to go to her room and get ready for bed. She turned to obey, but couldn’t help but glance back down the hallway to the nursery, where Riley and Andi were settling their little family.

It wasn’t fair. How did all three of Riley and Andi’s children get to have their mama, while she had no one? Why didn’t Andi die when she had Jared, or even the twins? Life was so cruel.

She stumbled the last few steps into her room, tears blinding her eyes as she slipped into her nightdress and tumbled under the covers. She heard Andi’s footsteps coming towards her door and quickly pulled the comforter over her head, desperate to hide her pain.

“Goodnight, Sarah. Let us know if you need anything, and I’ll see you in the morning.”

Afraid that her voice would give her emotions away, she growled a low “good night” before burying herself under her covers. The tears began to flow unchecked, sliding down her cheeks and into her braided hair, mocking her.

“You don’t have a mother,” they said, “and it’s all your fault. Your papa is alone because of you, and you will never take her place. Never, never, never.”

The voices echoed in her brain, just as they had since she was a child. She closed her eyes to try and dull the pounding, but it didn’t work; it never did. They taunted her relentlessly until she fell asleep, but even in her dreams they were there, reminding her of who she was.

She had a dream where she saw her papa all alone in a room. He was reading the paper by the fire when a woman came in and sat beside him. Sarah didn’t have to see the faded picture to know that the woman was her mother, smiling and happy, just as she’d been before Sarah was born. They were both so happy, like they always should have been, but the next instant, when she saw herself come into the room, both of her parents dropped dead.

“And it’s all your fault,” the voices taunted.

“Your fault, your fault, your—”

***

“Sarah! Wake up!  It’s just a bad dream. Sarah?”

Sarah sat up, her hair plastered to her sweaty face, breathing hard. She turned to see who was shaking her awake, and found to her surprise that it was Andi.

“You were screaming in your sleep, Sarah. Did you have a nightmare?”

The gentle look on Andi’s face and the softness in her tone was too much, and she dissolved into tears, clinging to her older cousin as the only rock of refuge she could find in this storm.

“Sshhh, it’s alright. It’s alright, Sarah. You’re safe now. You’re here with us, you’re safe. It’s alright.”

“It’s not,” Sarah hiccupped, forcing the words out between her sobs. “It’s not my safety I’m worried about. In my dream, I saw my mama and my papa, and they were happy, and then I came into the room, and they were dead. And it was all my fault, Andi. I killed my mama. I’m the reason my papa is so lonely, it’s all my fault.”

“Shh, now I don’t want to hear any talk like that, Sarah. It’s not your fault.”

“Yes it is, Andi. Don’t you know? Didn’t Riley tell you? I was born, and Mama died. It’s my fault that she’s gone. If I hadn't come, she would still be alive with Papa today, instead of buried under that cold hard ground.”

“You don’t know that, Sarah, you can’t be sure. And besides, I know for a fact that your papa loves you dearly, more than anything else in the world. He doesn’t blame you for what happened to your mama, and you shouldn’t blame yourself either.”

“Then why does he never want to talk about it with me?”

“Because sometimes the past can be painful, Sarah. Old memories can hurt more than fresh wounds. Besides, did you ever consider that maybe your papa feels guilty too?”

Sarah pushed away, surprised at this change in perspective. “Why should he? It's not his fault that Mama died.”

“He might feel like he is inadequate, like he’s not enough for you. Instead of seeing how much you love him, he might think that you blame him for missing out on having a Mama, and he might feel like a failure at taking her place. He might be hurting too, Sarah, maybe even more than you are.”

“Then why did he leave me here, instead of taking me with him? I could have helped to fill Mama’s place, but he told me I had to stay here instead.”

Sarah put her hand over her mouth as she realized what she had just said. “I didn’t mean to be rude, Andi, and I know that I ought to be grateful to you for taking me in and everything, but—”

Andi chuckled. “I know what you meant, Sarah. I think that maybe he sent you here so you can realize it’s not all on you. You aren’t responsible for what happened to your mama, and it isn’t your job to fill her place. As much as your papa loves you, and as much as you love him, you are supposed to be his daughter. Don’t spend your whole life trying to take your mama’s place, but instead enjoy the time that you have together as his daughter. One day you will get married and leave your papa, and that’s fine. That’s how it’s supposed to be.

“He loves you for who you are, Sarah, not for how you fill your mama’s empty place. You will never be able to fill the hole in his heart caused by losing a wife, but you make sure that his daughter’s place doesn’t also go vacant.

“I think you’ve been looking at this backwards. Maybe instead of leaving you here because he thought that you could never fill your mama’s place, he left you here so that you could see where your place is, and how to fill it better as his daughter whom he loves so very much.”

Shame colored Sarah’s cheeks as she dropped her gaze. Everything rude and disrespectful that she had ever said to Andi flooded her mind, seeming silly in light of the caring person sitting before her. She had been viewing Andi as someone that was keeping her from loving Papa, but in reality Andi was trying all along to show her how to love him better.

“Andi,” she whispered, scarcely daring to raise her eyes to her cousin’s face. “I’m sorry for all of the rude things I said, and for how disrespectful I was, and for how I didn’t do anything you asked me to. I see now that you were just trying to help show me how much my papa loves me, and that I don’t have to take Mama’s place to earn it. I pushed away every bit of help you tried to give me, will you please forgive me?”

Andi gave her a warm smile and pulled her right back into a gentle hug. “Of course, Sarah. Riley and I love you too, you know. I’m so glad that you came to stay with us.”

“Me too, Andi. Me too.”